Early Struggles with My Voice
My first year in middle school was a turning point in my relationship to many parts of my identity that I would battle later in life. One of those turning points was my relationship to my voice, specifically my voice as it relates to public speaking. My best friend suggested that I run for class representative. We went to a very small school and most of my classmates were the same kids I’d known for the last two years. It seemed like a small risk. Negligible. I agreed to run. I crafted my speech. She helped me practice. I stood up in front of the room and suddenly the sea of familiar faces felt unsafe and I couldn’t speak. I muddled through some words and quickly retreated to my desk. I was defeated. My friend looked at me and said, “that wasn’t the speech we practiced.” Another friend, the one I was running against, confidently read her speech and consequently won.
The Consequences of Silence
Before this incident, my voice and I already had a complicated relationship. At school, I was expected to speak up, speak out, ask questions, advocate, and be seen. At home, those methods of communication had to be properly measured before use. It was easy to get wrong because the standards were ever-changing. The consequences for using my voice in ways that disrupted the expectations and culture were unpredictable and often severe, ranging from silence to punishment. Silence, avoidance, and staying small were the tools that I was learning to embrace instead. The calculated risk was rarely worth it.
The complication with accessing my voice became pervasive. It made its way into every part of my communication. I lost the ability to communicate authentically in public. My one-on-one interactions with friends were still fairly healthy, but groups, classrooms, strangers, became a trigger to shut down and express myself in ways that weren't congruent with the voice in my head.
Writing as a Lifeline
In a school setting, it was really difficult to participate in class. I avoided reading aloud, raising my hand, presenting to the class, and sharing my difficulties with my teachers. Over time, my grades took a dive and I began to judge myself on my poor performance. I concluded that I wasn’t very smart and I wasn’t very capable. Change didn’t even cross my mind. I was in pain. I spent most of my teenage years feeling small and depressed. There seemed to be no outlet for this experience. It was lonely because I didn't have the courage to speak about what I was going through. The only place where I found relief was in writing. Writing became my safe space, both in school and at home, allowing me to move my thoughts out of my head and onto paper. It was the one area where I excelled, and it gave me a sense of control when I felt lost everywhere else.
The Impact on Friendships and Music
I did ok in the friendship department because of my ability to listen and to be myself in one-on-one interactions. I never had a friend group because it was preferable to spend time with one person. There were times when that made it difficult for me because other people were social in ways that I was not. They liked the groups.
I also began to feel an aversion to singing in public. Praise and encouragement from others didn’t make it easier to do. It often left me feeling lacking because music was my first love and my voice was my instrument of choice. Losing my connection to singing was perhaps one of the hardest aspects of my relationship to my voice because it felt like I had lost a part of myself.
Reclaiming My Voice
The battle to reclaim my voice was both incremental and all at once. As I grew older, I started to understand that the silence I had embraced as protection was keeping me from expressing myself in a genuine and meaningful way. It was keeping me from connecting with the world and people around me. Through my journey, I learned that finding your voice is not just about speaking up—it's about reclaiming your authenticity, your self-worth, and your power.
Tangible Advice for Finding Your Voice:
Start Small and Build Momentum
If speaking up feels overwhelming, start by practicing in low-pressure environments. Begin with casual conversations or small groups where you feel safe. Over time, increase the level of challenge by speaking up in meetings or larger groups.
Use Journaling to Find Clarity
Writing down your thoughts can help you connect with your authentic voice. Reflect on moments where you’ve stayed silent, and ask yourself: What did I want to say in that moment? Journaling can help you prepare for similar situations in the future.
Challenge Negative Beliefs About Your Voice
Many of us internalize limiting beliefs about our ability to speak up. Challenge these beliefs by questioning their accuracy. Are they based on facts or fear? Reframe these thoughts into affirmations, such as, “My voice is valuable, and I have the right to be heard.”
Take Time to Reflect on Wins
Each time you speak up, no matter how small the situation, take a moment to reflect on it. What went well? How did it feel to use your voice? Positive reinforcement is a key part of building confidence and reclaiming your voice.
Helping Others Find Their Voice
Today, I see how my early struggle with my voice shaped who I am and what I do. As a coach and leader, I guide others in reclaiming their voice—whether it's communicating effectively in professional settings or finding the courage to speak from the heart in personal relationships. For many of my clients, especially leaders and entrepreneurs, communication is essential yet often where they feel most disconnected. Together, we work to unlearn the patterns that have silenced them and rediscover their authentic voice so they can lead with confidence and clarity in every aspect of their life.